ok, so i stayed up until 1 AM doing that entry last night -- and boy am i paying for it today. i think the most shocking part of looking back and finding those things that i wrote is the fact that two years have gone by and nothing's changed. my feelings are the same. the entry from 2.22 probably disturbs me the most: "It's like I can make it through the week, but once Saturday night comes and it's 1:00 and Sean hasn't called I get so depressed and down, I want to make it better, and if I don't I feel like I have no one to blame but myself." -- I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO BLAME BY MYSELF. how true, how true.
i've never had any regrets in my life, and for the first time i feel like i'm truly starting to regret something that i did. it was a mistake, a dumb mistake, that i made when i was 16, 17 years old. how long am i going to have to pay for this? i made my bed, i might as well lye in it. i just can't believe that something that i feel fairly certain is supposed to be may never be because of something i did three years ago and can't take back. i should just have patience, and live one day at a time, but how am i supposed to sit back and watch my life fly by? every day now feels like a waste. i've realized what it is what i want, what i need, and ... it's just too far gone. he said it. his hearts not in it, and what's meant to be is meant to be. why would he want to hurt himself again? it wouldn't be hurt, though -- it would be forever. that's a scary thought, but for the first time i feel unafraid.
i hate the fact christine is so fortunate to be in the place that she's in and she doesn't even know it. i feel like i just want to run up to her and shake her shoulders and say "HE LOVES YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" i wish someone had done that to me when i still had the chance, because i just didn't see it. i was too young. too naive. too cruel. too hopeful. and now... so hopeless.
the part that just kills me inside, eats me up... tears at my hearts strings is that he still thinks about me, he still has feelings for me (deep down, they're there), he still loves me, but his fear is too blinding. we think of each other when we see the same things, feel the same temperatures, experience the same tastes, sounds, when we watch certain things on TV -- we're connected. sure you never forget your first love, but it runs deeper than love; there's a passion, a feeling... an indescribable feeling of connectedness between us. it's just there, and it makes me heart swell. my eyes well up with tears. what am i supposed to do now?
maybe i said too much. but it's out of my hands. i love him, and we're meant to be. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, maybe not this decade. maybe not this lifetime. but it's our destiny. i've never felt so certain about anything before in my life. i may never feel so certain about anything ever again. but of this, i'm certain. and it's hard.