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"life is short, time is fleeting, realize the self" [entries|friends|calendar]
Julie Becker

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let your hair down, girl. [11 Jul 2006|01:30am]
[ mood | kinda smelly ]

sometimes it can be hard to find the silver lining of the cloud. but i keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason though. today, like others, i feel especially content with this optimistic creed. having a day to myself, to just do, whatever i want was so liberating. i gave me time to clean my car, (first time since the accident), and buy magazines, hang out with my friends, and be spontaneous. life is so unexpected sometimes, and it often leaves me begging the question why? why did i get in that accident? why did those kittens find milena? why did i ever think i could have one of them? why did i stay home from grand rapids today? why did i see that deer getting on the freeway? why did we just keep driving and go to the airport? why do some people just make life worth living? -- today, i just feel like i have all the answers.

the route we take to get to a restaurant.
the songs we listen to together.
what makes us laugh.
what makes us want to do things.
the memories we make.

every thing, every move, every word is just one little choice that makes the world of difference in our ordinary, cookie cutter lives. it's the stuff that we'll be talking about in 10 years. maybe to each other, maybe to someone else. it's these little moments of sunshine in the storm that helps explain the "why" to some of our unanswered questions.

i watched a movie for a second time last night, and partly today. it made me think. a life isn't worth living without a person to love. that's what the whole movie was saying. all their lives they attempted to reach this plateau of passion, and fondness, and bonding, and companionship. and there was never a perfect time. waiting for that "right moment" never came. and eventually it was all too little, too late. this could perhaps be my greatest fear realized. if that time never comes and we are not destined to be together, will i always feel this hole? this emptiness? the void? the hollow sound of a knock at my window... never imagining it could be him. what do i do? how can this unexpectedness ever have an answer to my "why?"

i must stay optimistic.

4 innuendos| keepin' in real

[27 May 2006|12:05am]
[ mood | dead ]

so, last night i had the strangest craving for some guacamole and windmill cookies. i actually wanted some ginger snaps, but i saw the windmills before i could find the snaps so i said, those sound good, and similar. i came right home and made some guac with ben adams and then had chips, salsa, and guacamole, (my new favorite snack), and some windmill cookies with milk. it was everything i imagined it could be and more.

i'm working at hillers now. it's different. similar to my other jobs, yet very different. you see it all in the grocery store, because let's face it, everyone has to eat. i like it, love it and hate it all at the same time. the people i work with are so hard to connect to. not all of them, i should say, just some. they're definitely the epitome of "lifers." the generic i'm-going-to-community-college-to-try-and-do-something-with-my-life-but-will-probably-be-in-my-parents-basement-until-i'm-30-and/or-i-find-someone-to-marry-me-out-of-pity... ::shrug:: not that that scenario doesn't work for some people, i'm just saying -- it's not my cup of early grey. it's a job. i brought home my first pay check tonight, very disappointed. especially considering i'm about to blow $100 on shitty seats for a concert on my mom's b-day that she really wants to go to. c'est la vie.

i like a deaf guy at work, and let me tell you -- it's a lot harder than you think it would be. constantly trying to make my mouth look presentable because all he can do is read my lips, and the shouting and the embarrassing "what did you say?" after every comment. it's tiring. but i think he's so darn cute -- unfortunately, i don't think anything will come of it. i had somewhat of a revelation tonight. i was at register 1 (which is near the bench you can sit on for your breaks), and i heard the deaf dairy stock boy say to the dumb girl who works in floral that he really likes her car. at least, that's what i think he said. and it occurred to me that all of these people and just like the people in high school. the nice/ugly people get walked on, the pretty are the only ones who survive, and having a nice car will get you everywhere. i don't know... all of it makes me want to get out of this town for good. and i just might, very soon.

i have a new job, and a new car. her name is _____________. she is a black 2006 ford focus, (zx4, please!). i also have a new phone and a new sweater from jcrew. i'm pretty much excited about all of it, even though the current state i'm in would probably tend to make you think otherwise. i really want to read for pleasure, but can't, because every time i pick up a book i feel like it should either be "Economics Today" or "Psychology." which, as interesting as they sound, are surprisingly not. just 2. the class, just 2. the class, just 2. the class. that's my new mantra.

1 innuendo| keepin' in real

[24 Apr 2006|03:14pm]
[ mood | allergies!!! ]

how does the fray know exactly how i feel, about everything? i think their songs were written by someone observing my life like a fly on the wall. it's remarkable. besides my allergies attacking my face today, things have been going well.

what's new? what's new? well -- it's the last week of classes, and things are just winding down so fast. i only had one class today... my dad's coming to take the lofts down on friday, everything that used to bug me in our room has been moved out, (i.e. everything that's not mine). which makes me really excited for next year, and having this little space all to myself. to have things just the way i want them, and keeping it clean and knowing that i'm the only one making the mess. how harmonious. i'm really excited to come home and find a job and start my summer classes. i really enjoy the routine up here and all of my friends but it will be good to have a car and my own space again. besides, i really miss being with my family -- i'll give that about a week, maybe two. however, with all my school work and work-work i don't think i'll be home too terribly much. and if things work out the way i ::fingerscrossed:: hope they might, i could have a second "home" not to far away. that would be fun.

on sunday (aka the day after the worst night of my life), a special NEW someone came to visit and take me out to lunch. i felt kind of bad because i wasn't really myself (the headache, the crappy/only clean clothes, the lack of energy), but like cook said, "if he's going to like you, it will be because of you and not what you're wearing." i think things went relatively well. i still have a lot of find out about him, but i like what i've seen so far. this is promising. :o) -- there was this moment where we were standing outside of bubble tea and i was looking in the glass window panes and i felt so pretty. even my hair that got rained on looked perfect. my sick clothes seemed to fit me just right. the hole in my pants disappeared, and my smile looked luminous. i realized that he makes me feel the way i should feel about myself all the time. and in a sense i do feel pretty all the time, it's just easy to get down on yourself and get in this blue-jean-t-shirt-fleece-zip-up-rut and feel ugly. i hope i can feel that way with him again soon. :o)

going back to saturday (aka the worst night of my life), was actually a lot of fun. i don't know if i'll ever be able to look at a hot pocket again, or drink jack daniels, or do them simultaneously -- but i can hope, right? i'm glad that i was able to experience that with cook -- she's a good friend, and hilarious. "just think of breathing, and the lake." "breathing.... the lake.... breathing... the lake... i'm gonna be sick." oh, college life. i almost made it my freshman year -- and making it this long without a porcelain prayer is quite the accomplishment, i think anyway. so that's that.

1 innuendo| keepin' in real

[20 Apr 2006|11:00am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

things that have happened to me this week:

monday:
i got to french class and had a test that i didn't know we were going to have. the prof almost cancelled it because there weren't enough people to take it, but then everyone else stormed in one giant cloud of disappointment. i took it.

tuesday:
i got stuck in the elevator with this guy name jerremy. we were in there for a 1/2 an hour. they had to pull me out.

wednesday:
went to the switchfoot concert and was scolded by this older woman in front of us for "yelling." there is also no jumping, or clapping at concerts. keep it in-line. but then i think she felt bad when we were mocking her, so she lent us her binoculars as compensation. we weren't that far awa, but the binoculars were GREAT.

today:
the day from hell. had a quiz at 9:10, oral exam for french at 1:00, paper due at 6:00.

friday:
KATIE'S B-DAY!!!

saturday:
working on a my 8-page paper due next thursday. DiRtY sOuTh with cook!!! :o)

sunday:
doing my paper... until it's finished.






good week...

keepin' in real

[16 Apr 2006|10:35pm]
[ mood | touched ]

long time no update.

this weekend was phenomenal. going to mini-b-day parties on thursday really extends your weekend. friday felt like saturday, saturday like sunday, sunday like monday, so now it's practically tuesday. morgan came home with me for easter weekend since she lives in NY and was nearly left a dorm orphan for the holiday. :o) i had such a great time with her -- there are a few times in your life where you meet someone and your personalities just ::click:: and with morgan it's just one of those times. we finish each other's sentence, we have the same sense of humor, we like the same music, we have the same taste in clothes, we enjoy the same food -- if we were gay we'd be perfect for each other. but we're not. i'm definitely straight and struggling with men. who isn't, right? ::shrug:: anyway, morgan fits right in with my fam, and we had a great time going around the city. i took her to ann arbor, and to northville, and the bead store, and meijer and we cooked and giggled, and dyed easter eggs. it was so splendid. we went to church together this morning. the service was so moving, i bawled through the entire thing. it was so embarrassing, but uplifting at the same time. i miss going to church, a lot. i miss god. but god loves me and it feels good. i really enjoyed the service at northridge, but when they ask you to open your pamphlet and tear about the perforated survey inside i think it's time to leave. nice to visit, but not for me.

i'm really uplifted right now. two weeks left of school, getting my schedule lined up for next year, summer courses, a potential summer love, god's love, LOVE ALL AROUND, antipasto salad tomorrow, and lunch with cook, katie's b-day on friday night, dirty south party saturday night. life is good.

i bought a book at urban outfitters this weekend (BARGAIN: 2.66 with TAX) and it's called LOVE by YSL and it's all these graphic, andy warhol inspired drawings that YSL did from the 1970's until the early millennium. he had them made into new years cards and sent them to his friends. almost every page has a quote about love next to the drawings. i really like this one:

"love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without, and we know we cannot live within." THE FIRE NEXT TIME, James Baldwin

keepin' in real

[13 Apr 2006|12:16am]
CAMPUS IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!
keepin' in real

[05 Apr 2006|09:38pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

all of my feelings have gone to song lyrics and quotes and fortune cookies and horoscopes. last night i felt so low. i felt so weak. i felt like it was all right. but wanting to call him just made me feel weaker than before. wanting some strength to come from the other end of the line. all i can do is write and write and write. i write the same words over and over and over, about the same things, the same feelings, the same everything. this is when i realized that nothing's changed. people don't change. feelings take a long time to change, and my time hasn't come.

i got a headache tonight looking into changing my major and reading about credits and transfers and schoolcraft and thinking about a job and the summer and the promise summers used to hold. in the caf tonight i heard someone talking about their summer plans; of course they included jobs, transfer credits, community colleges and all the things that summer has come to mean for post-high school graduates. what happened to the days when summer meant carefree afternoons and late nights catching fireflies and putting them in jars to watch until you fell asleep and your mom would let them go before morning? why didn't i cherish those days more?

3 innuendos| keepin' in real

[02 Apr 2006|08:17pm]
[ mood | sick ]

dear my love, greatest drug.
i'm losing it, thinking you're gone.
i'm so addicted to you, tell me,
how the hell could i just move on?

the morning tide is at hand.
calmly wearing us down
and like a fortress of sand
a bomb swept to the ground.

i'm better of believing
you'll be leaving here today.
oh what about tomorrow?

i knew since the first day that i met you
that we were meant to be,
so when i say i'm over you
i'm lying.
i can't go on without you.
i'll be dying 'til the day that i can hold you in my arms,
and until then i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.

i step into my new life,
this dorm is not what i thought it would be.
i remember
all you wanted was change,
but changing meant forgetting me.
in high school we were as one,
nothing stood in the way.
you and me having fun,
but now you have nothing to say

except that you love me
but you just don't love me like you used to
and it's time to find your own way, yeah...

but i knew since the first day that i met you
that we were meant to be,
so when i say that i'm over you
i'm lying.
i can't go on without you.
i'll be dying 'til the day that i can hold you in my arms,
and until then i will wait for you.
i will wait for you.

"Jasmine" by From Midnight On



who is this even about anymore? :o/

1 innuendo| keepin' in real

[01 Apr 2006|10:02am]
[ mood | calm ]

it's easier to do "rabbit, rabbit, hare, hare" when you live alone. i hope it brings me something. :o)

::sigh:: i'm so tired of waking up tired. i finally went to be last night at 12:30 and to no avail. i feel no rest, i feel like i could fall right back asleep if need be. but that's not the need be -- the need be = campus tour. since i have to venture to like, EVERY reach of campus today i decided that i needed a different MOT (mod of transportation) besides my feet. the busses are all fucked up on the weekends, so michelle is loaning me her bike. i don't know if can seriously remember the last time i rode a bike. they wouldn't have made the phrase "like riding a bike" if they didn't meant it, right? yeahhh... this should be an adventure. but at least a short adventure because i will get there in the speed of sound.

i need to eat some breakfast and do my hair and give a real update.

(15 minutes later...)

these past few days have been -- not what i had expected. maybe, i could even say, haven't been what i wanted. but sometimes to get the things we need we have to endure the things we don't want. or things that we didn't think we wanted. having pat come visit was really nice. to just have that connection, that closeness, that history to laugh and cry about. it's irreplaceable. he makes me feel so, alive. so pretty. so happy. all the things i wish i would have felt when he was my boyfriend. but if wishes were horses then beggars would ride. and mama didn't raise no begga'.

sometimes you have to wonder about people. wonder about their morals and values and outlook on life. like, where do people get off on keeping things bottled up inside themselves? and furthermore, where do they get off on thinking that non-confrontational situations as a result of keeping things bottled up inside is the MATURE thing to do? i seriously wonder... and beyond all that -- i think whens someone says "you always get your way, you always have to get what you want," that might sound like it carries a negative connotation. but i realized the past couple days, no! it does not! getting your way and getting what you want are almost compliments. i get what i want because i know what i want and i usually know how to get it. if anything, i think these little slanderous phrases should be embraced, and envied. because let's face it -- at the end of the day life's really nothing if you can't get what you need. and life will be disappointing if you can't have what you want.


"blackbird fly, blackbird fly
into the light of a dark black night"

keepin' in real

S.O.C. is in order [29 Mar 2006|08:33pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i just can't stop. i wish i smoked or something. i wish there was an identifiable addiction here. like oh you're a coke addict, or an alcoholic. or something less harmful to my body. this is harmful. no sleep. no moments in my mind to myself. all-consuming. i try to read, nothing. there's his name splashed all over the pages. they could have used any name, why his? the university of michigan. right there on the page to. "i can breathe, i can breathe now, but the air is running out on me..." i just need to turn off this music and turn off my mind. drown out the thoughts. drown out the hopes the dreams the fears the anticipations the longings, the nostalgia. the cards the notes the memories the places the streets the houses the presents the smells the sights the sounds, the infectious laughter over land lines. i got my bunny just in time today. maybe i'll have something else to cuddle with tonight as a fall asleep but if nothing else i know back home there's someone that will always love me and that's comforting. but even SHE thinks about him. if she can't let go then how can i be expected to let go? who's expecting me to let go? me? you? him? her? them? we? i've just run out of pronouns. i need to seriously sit down and map out what i want the book about my life to say. what will i include? when i look back on these 19 years what sticks out? it won't be a best seller but books are moments of time preserved forever. i want to live forever, in spirit. skittles are good. i'm going to belly dance with katie and snuggle with my bunny. merry fucking christmas. 11 o'clock, where are you?

keepin' in real

[27 Mar 2006|10:43am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

sometimes when you think the trees are never going to be green again, you see a bud and it inspires a little hope. the sun is shinning on this beautiful campus, the wrongs have been righted, my options are open, my future is promising, and lunch is served. what more could i ask for?

politics, i've never liked. but when you know how to play the game, it makes things a little more interesting. every day is a new day. a fresh start. a beginning to something great. hopefully. because in the end, we're just all alone, together. (you can quote me on that).

keepin' in real

[25 Mar 2006|02:46pm]
[ mood | excited ]

it smells like coffee here. the heat is actually regulated. there's food in the frige, and clean sheets on my bed. i'm home. it's more contagious here, though. i sat in my bed for a good three hours feeling that sickness. that longing. i played a game to distract myself, but i ran over in my head about 100 times what it would say if i wrote it. would i just say the things i would want to say if i called? or would it have real meaning? real depth? real body? a real spirit? i've got to stop the obsession. i've got to find a way to repress. to move away, but not move on. i've got to distract my mind, but keep him there as well. i've got to stop with the music and the pictures, and the notes.

::sigh:: the notes. it's like holding a celebrity's autograph. his hand really touched that paper. those words really came from his fingers. and all they read are "i love you" "i'll always love you" and the pet names, and the edearments, and the little inside jokes that come flooding back like a wave of nostalgia. i've got to stop! i want to lock them up and throw away the key. i've got to rid myself of all that is him and all that i ever dreamed he could be. we could be. maybe i'll do it tomorrow... everything just feels like waste without him.

but just for today, it's drinks, dancing, and my sexy jeans. :o)

"i just wanna dance... fuck guys! i just wanna dance!"

3 innuendos| keepin' in real

[21 Mar 2006|11:49am]
[ mood | blah ]

it's just one of those days...

it's just one of those weeks. my horoscope said today was supposed to be a 9. i'm waiiiiiiting.... if changing my major, trying to break my LEGALLY BOUND housing contract, seeing (and having to stand next to for what was the longest bus ride of my life...) ghosts from my past's present, losing my glasses, 8 AM class, followed directly by a MSU campus tour (ON MY OWN), followed directly by monitoring the gym, followed directly by dinner and a trip to OHB for a meeting (that's just Wednesday), trying to find an outfit (and money) for saturday, and a present for cook, returning 5 movies, writing a french paper, and just the general stresses of living isn't enough to kill me, i'm sure something in the cafeteria will.

::ugh::


.... sing a sad song just to turn it around ....

1 innuendo| keepin' in real

what has iTunes done to me? [19 Mar 2006|11:31am]
[ mood | awake ]

"And I take everyday at a time
I'm as proud as a Lion in his Lair
Now there's no denying it, a note to crying it
You're all tangled up in my head

Old habits die hard..."

"Maybe
We were made
We were made for each other
Is it possible
For the world to look this way forever?"

"All of my life
Where have you been?
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And everytime I've always known
That you were there, upon your throne
A lonely [king] without [his queen]
I longed for you, my love forever"

"You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on"

"Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions...
Today is where your book begins,
The rest is still unwritten."

"Moon river, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you’re goin’, I’m goin’ your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me"

"Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me "




talking to an old friend last night, and expressing in 10 minutes what i've been expressing to others in a life-time about him, i realized yet another reason why everything that's happened to me this past week is so hard to swallow. i probably won't be able to say it as eloquently as i did last night, but here's my best effort: "i always have believed we've been destined to be together, we just met too soon in life. we had our own lives to live, and that's not to say that our lives have necessarily be lived already, but i feel like i'm at a point in my life where i've seen what the world has to offer me and i want to see the rest with him." "come away with me...and i'll never stop loving you." <-- that one really kills me. you know what else kills me? lynne cook.

"The darkness of the future, the fact that we do not know what is to come, is crucial, not unfortunate. -- There is great peace and happiness in the absence of pointless anxiety and in the acceptance of our proper sphere of concern - doing our very best, shining our very brightest, in this one little spot we find ourselves in. That's what we are designed to do."

wow, that's good stuff. xoxo cook.

1 innuendo| keepin' in real

COOK!!!! [17 Mar 2006|11:02am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Q: WHOS THE 4TH PERSON ON YOUR RECEIVED CALL LIST?
A: Milena

Q: WHATS YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
A: Kyocera Ring

Q: WHAT WERE YOU D0ING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
A: sleeping :o)

Q: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE ON YOUR CELL PHONE SAY?
A: "I'm spent. Going to bed but i love you & can't wait to see you tomorrow. Maybe pick em up around 2:00? call me when you wake up."

Q: WHOS BED DID YOU SLEEP IN LAST NIGHT?
A: my own

Q: WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
A: GREEEEEEEN!

Q: MOST RECENT MOVIE THAT YOU WATCHED?
A: The Notebook

Q: NAME 3 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE ON YOU AT ALL TIMES?
A: my keys, my ID, and shoes

Q: WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS?
A: pink

Q: HOW MUCH CASH DO YOU HAVE ON YOU RIGHT NOW?
A: $3, or maybe $2

Q: IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. WHERE WOULD IT BE?
A: somewhere tropical

Q: I CAN'T WAIT TO...(TILL)?
A: GO TO CANADA!

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM?
A: um... sunday.

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR DAD?
A: sunday as well

Q: YOU WISH....
A: that i could see into my future

Q: WHO GOT YOU TO JOIN MYSPACE?
A: I haven't...because I'm not a tool (good answer cookie)

Q: WHATS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY?
A: christmas or halloween

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO..
A: sing and dance around?

Q: WHATS YOUR FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
A. "everybody's irish on st. patrick's day"

Q: HOW MANY CONTACTS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR PHONE?
A: ? 120? 130?

Q: WHATS THE LAST THING YOU SPENT 50.00 ON?
A: groceries

Q: WHAT WEBSITE ARE YOU MOSTLY AT DURING THE DAY?
A: cafeteria menus! j/k

Q: DOES ANYTHING HURT ON YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW?
A: my stomach because I'M HUNGRY

Q: DO YOU OWN A PICTURE PHONE?
A: no :o(

Q: WHATS YOUR FAV. STARBUCKS DRINK?
A: hot soy chai

Q: LAST TIME YOU WERE REALLY UPSET?
A: wednesday... all day wednesday.

keepin' in real

[16 Mar 2006|11:32am]
[ mood | tired ]

ok, so i stayed up until 1 AM doing that entry last night -- and boy am i paying for it today. i think the most shocking part of looking back and finding those things that i wrote is the fact that two years have gone by and nothing's changed. my feelings are the same. the entry from 2.22 probably disturbs me the most: "It's like I can make it through the week, but once Saturday night comes and it's 1:00 and Sean hasn't called I get so depressed and down, I want to make it better, and if I don't I feel like I have no one to blame but myself." -- I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO BLAME BY MYSELF. how true, how true.

i've never had any regrets in my life, and for the first time i feel like i'm truly starting to regret something that i did. it was a mistake, a dumb mistake, that i made when i was 16, 17 years old. how long am i going to have to pay for this? i made my bed, i might as well lye in it. i just can't believe that something that i feel fairly certain is supposed to be may never be because of something i did three years ago and can't take back. i should just have patience, and live one day at a time, but how am i supposed to sit back and watch my life fly by? every day now feels like a waste. i've realized what it is what i want, what i need, and ... it's just too far gone. he said it. his hearts not in it, and what's meant to be is meant to be. why would he want to hurt himself again? it wouldn't be hurt, though -- it would be forever. that's a scary thought, but for the first time i feel unafraid.

i hate the fact christine is so fortunate to be in the place that she's in and she doesn't even know it. i feel like i just want to run up to her and shake her shoulders and say "HE LOVES YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" i wish someone had done that to me when i still had the chance, because i just didn't see it. i was too young. too naive. too cruel. too hopeful. and now... so hopeless.

the part that just kills me inside, eats me up... tears at my hearts strings is that he still thinks about me, he still has feelings for me (deep down, they're there), he still loves me, but his fear is too blinding. we think of each other when we see the same things, feel the same temperatures, experience the same tastes, sounds, when we watch certain things on TV -- we're connected. sure you never forget your first love, but it runs deeper than love; there's a passion, a feeling... an indescribable feeling of connectedness between us. it's just there, and it makes me heart swell. my eyes well up with tears. what am i supposed to do now?

relax.

maybe i said too much. but it's out of my hands. i love him, and we're meant to be. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, maybe not this decade. maybe not this lifetime. but it's our destiny. i've never felt so certain about anything before in my life. i may never feel so certain about anything ever again. but of this, i'm certain. and it's hard.

6 innuendos| keepin' in real

[15 Mar 2006|11:16pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

02.22.04:
"It's like I can make it through the week, but once Saturday night comes and it's 1:00 and Sean hasn't called I get so depressed and down, I want to make it better, and if I don't I feel like I have no one to blame but myself."

04.23.04:
"So, I'm going to compose a piece, here we go:

********************************
"the long way home"

tonight I took the long way,
hit the lights and hit the break.
destionational frustration -
forces acting upon the transit ride.
don't go, don't go,
but I just have to see
if what could be, is.
but it wasn't
and I should have taken
the short way home
but the long way home
is always more fulfilling
to the mind
and bruising to the heart.
I'm sure I'll take the long way home
tomorrow.
********************************"

05.20.04:
"... i admitted that our relationship is fragile, but I'm not sure if it's so fragile that it will break like my heart did so many months ago when I was in love and he wasn't the only one that could capture my heart but things are so different now and again I think about what happened in the past and wonder if things really are different in life or if it's all in my mind wanders when start to think about these things because it's so easy to think logically on computer but in the heat of the moment your mind becomes abset and you wonder if you can admit the truth about how fragile the realtionship really is..."

i know i can't.

06.10.04:
"...it is a time for excitement and exasperation of all of the anticipation for the nights events that will soon occur and open up a world of excitment that I have never known, both physically and emotionally, and a world that I soon will not forget because it will be flowing through my viens until I sober up and he will be running through my mind until I see him again...

::sighs::

I have to remember to keep living."

06.12.04:
:there is no where to hide
"there's no where to hide"
my conscience spoke to me
as the sun set to my right
and we drove away from that place.
as much as we try to escape it
it's always around us.
in a moment it can be avoided
but facing it is unevitable
and no one can prepare
for the face-to-face fears.
it's the moments you hope
there is a lusterous shine to your hair
and you clothes are draping
your seemingly awkward body.
oh well, it will all be over
in a mere 10 or 15 seconds,
30 if God is punishing you
but no matter where you go
there is just no where to hide."

07.10.04:
"i wish i could accept what is just meant for me. newsflash: i have a problem with acceptance. "

07.26.04:
"Is it wrong that I can't face him? I really don't know whether I would lunge at him, fingernails attempting to gouge out his eyes, or cry because I fear that I'll never find what I had with him again... or worse yet: both."
"I guess all relationships are like that though; no matter how hard we want to let go, there will never be a box big enough to store all our physical and emotional baggage. Somethings, like memories and carpet stains, will be there forever -- and there's nothing we can do about it, except cry."

04.14.05:
"What's meant to be is meant to be."

04.29.05:
"I just want to have my hand held, and someone to hold me when I'm cold. I want someone to that wants to be with me -- at 4:30 in the morning, in a closet, just because I'm there. I want someone ... who isn't afraid to be open ... who isn't afraid to love me. I want someone who will stay with me and drive to the gas station to get Mamba on the way home from Ben's cottage; (that was the loneliest moment). I want someone who cares about me, unconditionally -- and does everything they can to make me feel good. I want someone who knows what I need to hear. And says it. I want someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him. And I've had this. So, where do I go from here? What do I do? ::cries::"

06.27.05:
"i drive my car off the road
to see if the car is black
but in the dead of night
everything is black
and the sights that you once saw
in the clearest light of day
become nothing but instances
in the realms of your memory.
and you keep driving
off the road.
but you can't see it anyway.
driving.
glancing.
and then it's gone.

are you alone? tonight?"

11.27.05:
"6. i will admit that i STILL think about sean, especially around christmas, not to mention the fact that i see things that remind me of him EVERYWHERE... "




so that's it pretty much. i've cleaned up the dirty work and it's all right there for you to read. i hope that makes things easier. much more to come on the subject seeing as how i can't get it off my mind, i can't relax, i don't know patience, and the inevitable fate of my life that is approaching faster and faster each day... that may never come... makes it hard to look back and think: "things were different then" because they werent. they're still the same and it hasn't gotten any easier. goodnight.

3 innuendos| keepin' in real

[13 Mar 2006|10:27pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i'm walking down a road.
a road that many have travelled before me.
many will travel after me.
along the road, there is plethora of weedy life.
some dying.
some already dead.
the hot summer was just too long.
the flowers have lost their color.
the dust has suffocated their leaves.
the sun has given birth, to their death.

like an interjection,
splitting the road into two.
the east, the west.
there is a smaller, travelled path.
and my footprints.
imbedded in the smaller, travelled path.
travelled by me.
my footprints there once before.
i lift my head to see before me,
but i cannot see too far.
the path is long.
the path is unknown.
i am scared to step on my footprints.

i have the memory.
i remember parts previously travelled.
most of them, so pleasant.
grassy field and shading trees.
but there are dried up streams.
and starving animals
down the path as well.

it comes time to make my choice.
shadow over the trace fossils left before?
follow the path back to the beginning?
see where the same path will lead?
take the chance?
take the step?
trust my fate
and hold on for life?
the chance at life from the surrounding death?

... i am scared.
but i have no choice...

are they my footprints?
or are they his?
or are they ours?




10:35 PM
03.13.06
"whitman in my mind"

keepin' in real

[12 Mar 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

"'cause you can't jump the tracks
we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hour glass
glued to the table,
no one can find the rewind button girl,
so cradle your head in your hands

and breathe,
just breathe."


for the first time in a long time i'm feel a sense of relief. ::SIGH::

keepin' in real

[11 Mar 2006|04:18pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

i wrote this yesterday, but decided i'd put it up today:

today was worse than i had originally thought it would be. i wish i could stop feeling lonely. it’s not even a physical lonliness – it’s just an empty feeling… inside. that sounds so pathetic. i guess maybe it is.

i would say a good quarter of my friends have gone to pot. another quarter, are just friend-like acquaintances who i really have no faith in relying on. another quarter, the real friends, don’t seem know what one-on-one hanging out time really is, which is fine, but i don’t always feel like competing, it’s tiring. the last quarter i’m ashamed of for not being free-thinkers like the people who i thought they were. so that’s it – pot, acquaintances, groupies, and shame. the two friends i always thought i could count on (two excluded from the previous whole), have now in this moment of desperation decided 1.) to not return my call and 2.) spend time with his girlfriend.

his girlfriend… his girlfriend… his girlfriend… sally… horror of horrors! tonight i saw her in a different light, and her hair is not as black as i originally thought, and it looks like she put on some much needed weight, she wasn’t as pale as i remembered, there were no stitches pinning back a smile, but her nose was still bad. i guess things are looking up for nick, … i guess. he just seems so – not himself. he looked good. he just wasn’t himself, though. the way he just set the plant down, and didn’t comment on the card? what was that? and he just went off in his room and folded his laundry… how i so desperately had hoped to be gone when she got there. maybe i needed the shamrocks more than he did.

he tended to her. the first sign of real affection i’ve ever seen him give toward another person (another girl) besides me. i guess that’s the point. i have this standard for girls he dates. basically that standard is me. if i think she’s better than me, or up to my standard for him – she’s GOLDEN. sally… she’s more like rusty nickel-silver. just not it! he seems happy. i saw them have a moment. i nearly lost my appetite.

WHY CAN’T I JUST BE HAPPY FOR HIM???

i really want to be happy for him. i really, sincerely do. he deserves happiness above anyone else. but from her? ::sigh:: just not from her. why her? why not me? why do i care? why why why why why why why why why? WHHHHHHY? then i sit here and think about my pitiful self… i loathe myself in this moment. i can’t let go. LET GO!

i felt so pretty this afternoon. i put on my nicest underwear, and a nice brown shirt and wore bronzer on my cheeks to bring out my tan. i wore earrings and did my hair. i looked pretty. i put on perfume. i made sure to spray it on my neck so he could smell it when he hugged me. i wonder if he noticed? he used to… he’d say “you smell good.”

i miss days when life was easier and i could just walk into a building where everyone who mattered knew who i was and dara would drink coffee and bring mcdonalds into first hour. we could drink pop because we didn’t care about calories (i still don’t care… i’m just saying) and i would get up every morning at 6 AM and be satisfied. those days are gone.

today, for the first time in a long time, i felt like i needed to get away. far, far away. like grabbing my passport and leaving all of this behind. i feel like there’s nothing left here for me. i need to finish my education and pack my bags. when i feel down and out i always feel like working extra hard to get ahead because that’s something i have absolute control over and no one can take that away from me. if that doesn’t work, i just cry to my computer and look through my iTunes library. once milena moves, don’t be surprised if i leave too.

i think brian adams said it best when he said: “when i look back now, that summer seemed to last forever, and i if i had the choice i’d always wanna be there… those were the best days of my life… and now the times are changing, look at everything that’s come and gone… those were the best days of my life”


edit: friend #1 (excluded from the whole) was skiing up north and couldn't get her messages. my apologies.

2 innuendos| keepin' in real

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